Turns out it wasn't just me being overly demanding of my technology...my laptop battery actually is a piece of human shit left lying on a public sidewalk. They're recalling them. Apparently not only do these batteries suck for some reason, they also have an unhealthy tendency to spontaneously burst into flames!!! Yeah, that's a comforting thought....I've been leaving an incendiary device next to my bed while I sleep, and in my room all day while I work. Lovely. I'm still confused about what I get out of this, but I sure as hell hope the answer is "a new battery." Be nice if this damn thing were actually portable, seeing as it's a frickin' laptop. Wankers.