John Hawkins (hawk) wrote,
John Hawkins

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Had the Flower Communion today, and it was followed by the visitor information session I'd been waiting on. ::ponders:: The flower communion was quite lovely. I think I'm sliding towards the conclusion that this isn't the right time for me to be seeking a church. I think that if I wanted a church, I'd want a UU church. Definitely the right match, as far as that goes. But I think it's just to far from the other parts of my life. There are no people my age, to speak of, and there is more focus on spirituality than I'd like. It's a vague fuzzy sort of focus that doesn't preclude my atheism, but the reality is, I just have no real interest in spirituality per se. I like the sermons Ken gives, and I like the rituals and traditions of the church. But I just am beginning to feel like it's kind of a silly thing to be spending hours each week dealing with. It's been nice to be awake at a reasonable hour on Sundays, I'll note. But I think I might channel that into playing basketball with the ATL guys on Sunday mornings. I could use the excercise more than the meditation. And the choir won't start meeting again until late September. ?? I really think I can find a better outlet for my search for community and intellectual discussion and such than this kind of setting provides. Maybe at some point in the future (i.e. when I'm married or whatever), this will seem like the right place. And I know enough about it now to know that it's there, which is great. I may even keep going sometimes for the services. But I think it's not going to take center stage, at least for the moment. Just not really grabbing me and sucking me in.

Another issue is that as I've been exploring my atheist beliefs, and reading works by other atheists, I find that I feel very strongly, in ways I have tended to supress for social reasons, that most of the religion I see around me is destructive. And since this allows for only the negative sense of tolerance, I feel at odds with myself trying to meet the UU ideal of positive tolerance and my own ideals of strong atheism at the same time. I think they are compatible, in the long run, certainly. But I'm not there yet, and it seems disingenuous of me to be a UU until I've come to grips with all that.

I definitely think I've grown in self-awareness with regards to the 'spiritual' side of my life the last month. So I have no regrets. But I think maybe it's time to move on and try other things for a while.

I'm very thirsty for real intellectual accomplishment, these days. The work I'm doing in the labs is confusing to such a degree that I make progress slowly, and without breaking new ground that anyone around me would care about. I need to get past that stage so I can do things that will merit (legitimate) praise from my co-workers. That one smallish thing would have a huge positive impact on my general sense of happiness and self worth, I think. At least now my project is cool and valuable, even if I'm still sucking in my efforts to pursue it. That alone is a big positive shift, and I don't take it for granted.

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